THE BIG SEEP (pt 1)

“But why the Mook?” asks Clove, looking faintly distracted now, red of eye and moist of lip.

Clove and his partner Hamm had been occupying my office for the last forty-five minutes on the pretext of an ongoing Grand Jury investigation in conjunction with some fabulous new ad hoc task force involving DOJ, StatDep, DEA, IRS, LAPD Internal Affairs Division, the California State Attorney General’s Office, and FBI Cyber Crimes Commision personnel.

The tone had been set right from the beginning, as Hamm & Clove, after the initial badge waving and preliminary bids at intimidation, made themselves at home by pulling out packs of smokes and lighting up Old Golds & Lucky Strikes respectively.

So it was going to be like that.

“Thanks for smoking,” I said, voice dripping freeze-dried irony to no noticable effect. So I did what I always do in such situations, and pulled out the swirly tinted-glass hookah, which, as luck would have it, had a full bowl pre-packed with a salad of Train-Wreck, Northern Lights, and Master Kush that I sparked up with one hand while waving my prescription in the general direction of Hamm & Clove with the other.

So there we are, smoking the air blue, going round and round with nuisance questions about a group of dingbat cyber-stalking twitter terrorist covert-op propagandists whose existence I had been blissfully unaware of until mid-July of 2011.

There are some things well worth not knowing, and this was definitely one of them.

“So what do you guys want from me anyways? I’m just a screenwriter scooping the darkened avenues for a lead, monitoring fragmented conversations…internalizing whispered accusations & shouts in the street…just tracing patterns in the carpet…how would I know?”

And then I thought: a little truth – or what passes for it in this case – might be just what the doctor ordered, especially since both of these chumps seemed to be copping a contact buzz from all of that expensive second hand smoke. As Jack Nicholson once said to some Scientologist: “You can’t handle the truth!!” Particularly now, with Clove slumping blearily in his chair, and Hamm staring vacantly at his shoe…

Text from my secretary Jessica affirms that my attorney, Glibman, is on the way here with a 20-30 minute ETA. Plenty of time to lay out the bummer jigsaw-puzzle for the nice fed-clowns. After all, they asked for it.

“But what about the Mook?” asks Hamm this time, finally mustering the presence of mind to remember the ‘investigation’.

“The Mook was in over his head from the get-go,” I deign to reply, “just an Average Joe rolling down the bowling lane of life, thinking those happy thotz, mostly related to pro-wrestling, Howard Stern, porn, and Birther-themed political ‘activism’. Just a designated patsy, born and bred for the role.

“You see, the Mook just happened to exist on the crux between a dingbat sociopathic Birther ‘research group’, and some porn industry insiders who, unbeknownst to the Mook, were acting as frontmen midwifing the delivery of a $10 million ‘donation’ to Brightphart News Network, or recipients therof.

“Although some of the ten mil was from the Big Porn people, my sources indicate that the vast bulk of it originated from amigos located Down South of here who embody unregulated capitalism at its most vibrantly successful: A family business dealing in quick commodity export exchange on a strictly cash-only basis, looking to buy some clout to influence the 2012 U.S. electoral process, and any and all info outing certain Anonymous members who had been somewhat critical, a-and disrespectful toward this noble family’s hard-working efforts to better themselves by way of idealized free-market venture capitalism.

“If you guys had bothered reading any of those nasty memos cluttering up your desk from the AG’s office, you might have been briefed about the flow of freshly laundered cash seeping up through little LA basin communities known as the ‘Cartel Towns’, with names like Lynwood, Bell Gardens, South Gate, Huntington Park, Vernon, and most obviously, Cudahy, and into the pockets of a certain highly placed L.A. law enforcement official, and certain members of his subordinate staff…”

to be continued…